It’s not that I struggle to feel joy at all, but I’m suspicious of letting it sink in, of trusting in it too much.
It’s what Brené Brown calls, “foreboding joy.”
“Scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy. We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that there won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult.
We’ve learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster. And we struggle with the worthiness issue. Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections? What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world? Who are we to be joyful?”
– Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
In a recent conversation with my spiritual director, we talked about this. To be honest, in many ways, 2020 has brought several really good things to our family. In the midst of the anxiety and grief around the pandemic and racial injustice and national politics, both Stacey and I took on new jobs that are great fits. I’ve spent a ton of time outdoors, hiking, and taking photos at state parks. Our kids have weathered the uncertainty of the year really well and are at (mostly) fun ages.
And that’s where the struggle comes in for me.
“Is the bottom about to drop out? Have I opened myself up to massive disappointment? If things are going really well, will people expect more of me and I’ll invariably disappoint them?”
These are some of the thoughts that come up for me around leaning into the experience of joy.
My spiritual director, she pointed out that Enneagram 4’s can really struggle with joy because they are always keenly aware of the brokenness in the world.
That awareness can bring up feelings of guilt, comparing the suffering of others to things going well for me.
Because 4’s have a capacity to sit in melancholy and assume they are fundamentally broken, it’s entirely common to be able to empathize (understand the emotions and thoughts of others without judgment) with those who are grieving, feeling hopeless, or dabbling in despair. It can also lead to avoiding joy, either out of a distorted sense of solidarity with others, or it can lead to a sense that feeling too good will only lead to a massive crash.
I was part of a team that was very positive, always looking to the bright side of things. On its face, that isn’t a bad thing. But I struggled with it, for many of the reasons I shared above. As I was processing this, I articulated this thought to myself:
“It doesn’t seem honest to just be positive, to not acknowledge the pain and the missing things.”
As I sat with that thought, I felt a challenge come back at me.
How honest it is to ignore the good? How honest is it to not acknowledge the things you can be grateful for?
For me, the work is to practice gratitude. But first, I’m trying to shape a clearer picture of what that means.
In our culture, love gets communicated often as an emotional experience—a rosy, soft, and exciting notion of feeling deeply for someone.
And while that is a sliver of the experience, wisdom guides us to a deeper, richer definition—one that involves choice, intentionality, commitment, and resolve. It’s far more than an emotion.
In the same way, I’m rewiring my sense of what gratitude means. I don’t think it’s synonymous with “feeling thankful,” though sometimes that is true. I suspect, at its core and most meaningful level, gratitude is about opening ourselves up to appreciate and thank all of our experiences for shaping us into who we are and offering us a gift, even if it scares us or is painful. Perhaps it’s more about acceptance and inclusion.
It brings to mind this amazing conversation between Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper from a few years ago. Colbert lost his dad and two brothers in a plane crash when he was just 10 years old and Cooper is trying to understand how he’s learned to process that tragedy. Stephen responds:
“If you’re grateful for your life…then you have to be grateful for all of it. You can’t pick and choose what you’re grateful for.
….It’s about the fullness of your humanity. What’s the point of being here and being human if you can’t be the most human you can be?….And that involves acknowledging and ultimately being grateful for the things that I wish didn’t happen, because they gave me a gift.”
What’s New
Podcast Edition
Radiolab, “What If” – This is a fascinating and unsettling look at what is and is not guaranteed when it comes to our national elections. Very timely and so well produced.
Poetry Unbound – Back for season two, this is Monday and Friday podcast is centering, often beautiful, and always reflective.
Armchair Expert, “Day 7” – A beautifully vulnerable episode that took such courage, but also gives hope that we can all experience enough grace to help us shine a light on our shadows and experience acceptance in the midst of brokenness.
How to Save a Planet, “Making Republicans Environmentalists Again” - Every episode of this podcast is necessary listening. This one does a great job of tracing the line from Nixon, Reagan, and H.W. Bush being advocates for stronger environmental protections to, well, the sad state of conservatives determined demolition of those same protections.
Radiolab, “No Special Duty” – It turns out there is no constitutionally established guarantee for the police to protect its citizens. No, really.
Resistance, “Is it too revolutionary?” – A brand new pod from Gimlet and former Radiolab producer Bethel Habte, the first episode tells the story of 22-year-old Chi Osse joining his first protest and quickly deciding to run for public office.
Links to Check Out
Animals Keep Evolving Into Crab: file this under “strange but apparently true”
I’ve shared this article on how to make this pandemic winter not suck a lot lately
Speaking of pandemic winter, here is one article on how to tell if indoors is risky
“We need to teach critical thinking, not blind patriotism.”
“What could be more relevant to our elections, to getting through the pandemic, and for facing our anxieties, than the Great Command and the Golden Rule?”
The tweet below woke me right up. Click through to read the full thread he posted.
A Reflection for the Road
“Hope is a muscle. It is a choice. It is a vigorous choice, to see what is wrong and what needs healing and needs our attention…and to also keep our hearts and imaginations and our energy oriented toward what we want to build, what we want to create, what we are walking towards.” – Krista Tippett